Forgive Me
by Kaitie-Bear
Summary: Alec shares his emotions about Rachel and Max (Completed)


**Title:** Forgive Me

**Rating:** PG, for now, may contain a few swear words

**Disclaimer:** I am in no way affiliated with Dark Angel, Cameron & Eglee, etc. I own nothing and I'm gaining only valuable writing experience. 

**Summary:** I was listening to one of my favourite Evanescence songs, Forgive Me, today and the words suddenly had me picturing Alec beating himself up over Rachel yet again and turning to Max for support, love, acceptance, etc. So I thought I'd write a fic bout it. So here goes…

It's been eating away at him for years now. He thinks about Rachel's death everyday without fail sometimes it's a conscious effort but most times it's not. It's like having to breathe, you know you have to do it and it becomes automatic. That's how it is with Rachel's death and her memory. It still causes so much pain but that won't stop him thinking about it and it defiantly won't stop him blaming himself.

_Can you forgive me again?_

_I don't know what I said_

_But I didn't mean to hurt you_

He knew then that he wasn't worthy of her love just, as he knows now that he's not worthy of her forgiveness. Not that she can give it since she's dead, but that doesn't stop him asking countless times everyday since she's been gone. I know exactly what I said but I wish I didn't. I wish I hadn't said it, wish I hadn't gone through with planting the bomb in the car, wish I had have told you sooner, wish you knew that I loved you not because I was told to but because it was real, I wish you knew that I didn't mean to hurt you. I never meant to hurt you, but I did and it kills me everyday. 

_I heard the words come out_

_It felt like I would die_

_It hurt so much to hurt you_

I replay the events of that day in my mind over and over desperately hoping that things will turn out different. I need them to turn out differently. It's like I'm watching a horror movie and I know something bad is going to happen but I can't turn away. I torture myself and watch it again and again, blaming myself a little more each time it flashes past my eyes. I heard the words come out, "Rachel there's a bomb in the car, and I'm here to kill your father" I see the pain and hurt and confusion in your eyes and I felt like I would die. It was too much to take in. I'm a trained killer, this is what I do, or more correctly what I did, but you're the first person I betrayed that actually meant something to me and I know that can't ever make up for what I did. It hurt so much to hurt you. I knew it would hurt you and hurt me but I never realised the full extent of the pain. I'm still feeling it now as if I'm standing there watching the bomb go off as I did on that day. God it hurts, it hurts that I hurt you, it hurts that I did what I did and most of all I hurts that I can't take it back. I can never take it back. I can't take back the pain and betrayal I saw in your eyes. I can't take back loving you, if I could it would be so much easier. Not to feel this pain, feel this ache but I know I never can and part of me doesn't want to. This is like a permanent trip to solitary or some other punishment Manticore sent us to after we failed a mission. Loving you was my mistake and seeing you die, feeling this pain for the rest of my life is my punishment.  I can accept that, but it sure as hell doesn't make it any easier. 

_Then you look at me _

_You're not shouting anymore_

_You're silently broken_

_I give anything now_

_To hear those words from you_

I sit next to your hospital bed and watch you die all over again. I know I don't deserve it but I need your forgiveness. You look at me with glazed over eyes and I can tell that you're near. Near to slipping away from your delicate hold on life. The delicate hold that I made you have. Your eyes have lost all their sparkle. They are completely devoid of any emotion. I can see the light slowly fading as you head towards what I hope is a better place. Far, far away from me and all the problems I cause. Your eyes used to speak so much to me. It was part of what I loved about you but now looking into them I can see that you've given up the fight. Your eyes are not shouting at me anymore and I know that you're close. I know that I've hurt you, broken you and I can see you fade away once and for all. The tears I've been holding in, since that day, come cascading down my cheeks. How could I have done this to you, how could I kill the one person I loved and who loved me and possibly think I could go on living? I don't deserve to live and you sure as hell didn't deserve to die. I wish I could take it all back but most of all I wish I could bring you back. I wish I could see the fire in your eyes once more, if only to tell me again that you hated me. I'd give anything now, to hear those words from you. It hurts me so much to hear you say it but it's what I need to feel alive and to know that you're still alive. But I know that it can never happen now. Seeing you lie on that bed and fade away makes it all too real for me again and that pain that I'm feeling, that I'm always feeling, just doubled, as did the guilt. Will this ever go away? Will I ever get past this, if not over it?

That's when I met a new girl with more fire in her eyes than Rachel ever possessed and it makes me feel again. Makes me feel something other than pain, which is a rarity. This girl, Max, is my equal in so many ways that it scares me. But why has she come into my life now, or more accurately why have I come into her life now? Could it be possible that whoever I have been praying to have answered me and in the form of Max? She certainly is a dream come true. She not only makes me feel alive again but she's made me love again and that scares me. I know things are different now, she's not as naïve as Rachel was. She knows what I am, what I've done and what I'm capable of. She's done it all too, including loved and lost. Perhaps Rachel was just a teacher showing me how to love, opening new doors for me. But then way did her door have to close for mine to open? She didn't have to die and I don't want Max to die. That's why I have to push her away, even though it hurts me. But what else is new? I'm used to the pain. That's why I lash out at her and annoy her so much because I can't let her get close. She's already made me love again and I couldn't bear it if she died as well. I think possibly my love for Max is stronger than my love for Rachel. If that is the case and what happened to Rachel happens to Max I couldn't go on living. The pain is already unbearable enough, I couldn't stand it anymore if Max died.   
  


_Each time I say something I regret _

_I cry I don't wanna lose you_

But somehow I know that you will never leave me 

_Yeah_

It hurts me to pretend that I don't like you Max. I wish I could just tell her that. Each time I say something I regret I cry I don't want to lose you, in my head of course, because I could never tell you. It just wouldn't be fair on you to take on all of my problems. Even though I'm a dick to you somehow I know that you will never leave me. It's like we have an unspoken connection that neither is willingly to voice or let the other know about. The only problem is we both do know about it. We're connected and it scares us both so we never talk about it. We know we both don't want to lose each other despite the way we treat each other on the surface. I'm not sure why this is though?

_Cause you were made for me _

_Somehow I'll make you see_

_How happy you make me_

I had a connection with you from the second I walked into that cell Max. I was sent to be your breeding partner, as we were the best matches for each other. Hear that, we were made for each other. Never before have I been so happy that Manticore was so thorough. The day I walked into that cell and met you is the day that I started living again. I wish I could tell you how I feel. I wish I could tell you just how happy you make me and in the short amount of time I've known you.  

_I can't live this life without you by my side_

_I need you to survive_

_So stay with me _

_You look in my eyes and I'm screaming inside that I'm sorry_

I've come to depend on you far more than I should. You are my life. you are what's keeping me together. I can't live this life without you by my side Max. I need you to survive and it makes me feel so useless. I'm a trained killer but I need the love of a good woman to keep me sane and keep me going. I doubt that's what Manticore had planned for us. But it makes me wonder if they knew that you were going to have this affect on me. After all they had studied me more than any other X-5. Could they have found out that I would fall hopelessly in love with you? If so, what good would come of putting us together and having that happen? But all that shit doesn't matter because I have you in my life and despite me pleas to the contrary I need you to stay with me. I know that you know it too. All you have to do is look into my eyes after I've made a harsh or stupid comment and you can read that I'm screaming inside that I'm sorry, that I didn't mean it and that I never meant to hurt, ever. You know it because I can see your eyes screaming the same thing after you've been mean to me. 

_And you forgive me again_

_You're my one true friend_

And I never meant to hurt you 

You can see all that and I can see it reflected in your own eyes. We need each other which is why we keep forgiving and forgetting. I'm in love with you and you know it yet you don't hold it against me. What did I do to deserve you Max? Killing someone I loved surely doesn't warrant someone as being worthy of the love I have found with you. I am grateful for you everyday. You are the only person who completely understands me and I don't even have to say anything. You're my one true friend Max and a small selfish part of me thanks Manticore for sending me on the Berrisford mission, meeting and falling in love with Rachel only to have her die and to bring me to you. I know I feel guilty about that and take it out on you sometimes but I also know that you know that I never meant to hurt you. You can see my pain and know that it's real and valid. You've been there yourself. I think that's part of the reason that we complement each other so well. My strengths counteract your weaknesses and vice a versa. Without you in my life and without your love Max, I would be nothing and that scares me more than anything ever has. But I know its that best damm thing that's ever happened to me and I wouldn't change it for the world. 


End file.
